Going it alone

It was hard to not have anyone to turn to or talk to during this time. I tried turning to who I thought were my friends and they all turned their backs on me literally. I would reach out to them and they would slap my hand away. I heard things like "oh your strong, you have God, all you need is God right now, your one of the strongest Christians I know, don't cry, it's not as bad as you make it, your just exaggerating." This is just some of what I heard. You can be the strongest Christian in the world and face heartache but I know God never intended for anyone to go this sort of thing alone, not even me. I was driving today and thinking about how I was all alone at this time in my life. My sisters all had their husbands and their friends. My parents had each other. I didn't have anyone. Then I saw myself as a child curled up in a ball crying but trying not to cry. I saw Jesus kneel down next to me and stroking my hair and rubbing my back and comforting me. It makes me cry just thinking about it. I hate crying. I really do. I don't do it often. Probably not as often as I should. Tears well up in my eyes from time to time but they just don't get past my eyes. Then I saw him pick me up and hold me. Jesus was the one and only one there for me. If I didn't have Him I would have never made it. I would have jumped off a cliff the grief was so overwhelming.
I never asked anyone to understand what I was going through. I only was asking for anyone to be there for me.
My parents didn't really have anyone but each other there for them. My dad sorta did but they turned a cold shoulder to my mom as well. My mom would come home from church upset. I would ask her what was wrong. She said people would hug my dad and pat him on the back and ask how he was doing. No one did that for her. So I wrapped my arms around my mom and said "I love you mom, how are you doing?" She would cry on my shoulder and say "I miss my Trisha." No one brought food over or cards. My parents did get some flowers from Wally and Marilyn Hickey. We felt so isolated. Me especially. My mom later developed a strong friendship with Marilyn Hickey.
Someone we did have that brought us all joy was Nadia. Her name is Nadia Janay and together that means Hope God has granted. She was that for the 3 of us. Especially at that time. She was so full of joy and so full of life. She always knew how to put a smile on our faces even as a baby.
You see since I am the baby of my family people often forget about me. I often feel forgotten or invisible. My oldest sister Wendy is 11 years older than me, Trisha was 9 years older than me, and Missy is 7 years older than me. We have another sister who would have been a year an a half older than me but she died 17 days after she was born. Her name was Rebekah. I tell people I have 2 sisters in heaven and 2 on earth. I never met Rebekah because she was born before me but I believe I have seen her in a vision when I was 10. So being the baby of the family I get left out or left behind often.
I have been praying about whether or not to put the details of my sisters murder in my blog. My first thought is it was so gruesome and brutal I don't want anyone to have nightmares. As I said earlier the police told us it was the most brutal murder in the history of Oklahoma. My next thought I had was if I put them in here and some wacko read it and did a copy cat murder I would feel responsible. I don't want that at all so for now, I will just let you know it was so brutal and gruesome you really don't want to know the details. I have only trusted a few with those details. One being my husband and the other being a friend from high school. They both cried after reading it and I think they did have nightmares. I heard all the details in the trial and still had a hard time processing them. However before the trial my parents were in contact with some people that they had asked to pray for us during the trial and asked that the Truth be revealed in the trial. We never asked that Shaun be put to justice because I think in all of our hearts we didn't want to believe he was the one who did this horrible thing. We constantly prayed the truth be revealed. Oh boy was it ever revealed. Anyway a couple of the people my parents had asked to pray told them God has shown them some things about that day that we needed to know before going to the trial. One person said from the first blow God took her spirit so that she would not have to endure the rest that he planned on doing to her. That was confirmed with a doctor. There were some things we heard that were so horrific but we went back to what that person said God showed them. We were given words and they were all true. I can't think of a single word from the Lord that anyone gave us that was not true. One thing that God told my mom, it would take Shaun facing the death penalty to finally come to Christ. There is a scripture that my dad and I both got during the trial regarding Shaun.
I'm going to give you a few different translations the first one is
(NLV) Prov 26:23-28
Smooth words may hide a wicked heart, just as a pretty glaze covers a common clay pot. People with hate in their hearts may sound pleasant enough, but don't believe them. Though they pretend to be kind, their hearts are full of all kinds of evil. While their hatred may be concealed by trickery, it will finally come to light for all to see. If you set a trap for others, you will get caught in it yourself. If you roll a boulder down on others, it will roll back and crush you. A lying tongue hates it's victims, and flattery causes ruin.
(NIV translation.)
Like a coating of glaze over earthenware are fervent lips with an evil heart. A malicious man disguises himself with his lips, but in his heart he harbors deceit. Though his speech is charming do no believe him, for seven abominations fill his heart. His malice may be concealed by deception, but his wickedness will be exposed in the assembly. If a man digs a pit he will fall into it. If a man rolls a stone, it will roll back on him. A lying tongue hates those it hurts, and a flattering mouth works ruin.
(Amplified Version)
Burning lips {uttering insincere words of love.} and a wicked heart are like an earthen vessel covered with the scum thrown off from molten silver {making it appear to be solid silver}. He who hates pretends with his lips, but stores up deceit within himself. When he speaks kindly, do not believe him, for seven abominations are in his heart. Though his hatred covers itself with guile, his wickedness shall be shown openly before the assembly. Whoever digs a pit {for another man's feet} shall fall into it himself, and he who rolls a stone {up a height to do mischief}, it will return upon him. A lying tongue hates those it wounds and crushes, and a flattering mouth works ruin.
I think I painted a pretty good picture with those 3 translations. My dad shared it with the D.A. and he actually read it in court. Only in Oklahoma can you quote scripture and get away with it. He never said "the bible says." He said there is a saying I would like to read to you." Shaun's Attorney objected to it but the judge wanted to hear it so the D.A. got to read it.